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Change

It feels like nothing will change, no matter what I do. I want change. But I’m afraid of change. I’m in the middle of what I think is a panic attack. I’m crying. Bawling really. I feel the lowest I’ve ever felt in years. I am so tired of this life that I live. I try, and nothing happens. I know that I’m not trying hard enough. I so want something to go right, but I know that my efforts will result in failure. It seems like no matter what I do nothing ever goes right. I am too far away from anything resembling a normal life. I don’t even know what a normal life means anymore. I have no willpower to do anything. No drive. Is this what depression is? I am still fixated on the girl. How embarrassing. I wish I had never met her. Wish I had never been so eager to make some sort of relationship. Because there was no possibility of a relationship there. She never engaged. I tried, she didn’t. That’s kind of what hurts so much. I don’t know what to do, how to have a normal life. What is even normal? I am not normal. I feel like a useless human being. A waste of potential. So much potential. People telling me I had so much to offer the world. I did not have the drive to achieve that. Do I even have dreams anymore? I don’t know. I want to leave this old self behind. This shattered husk of a human being. I know that I currently have nothing to offer anyone right now. Do I really know? Or is that just my brain telling me that. I think I have a lot to offer. I just don’t know if anyone wants what I have to offer. I feel so broken. There is a mismatch between reality and what is inside my brain. Is this what being crazy feels like? I think it is.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I want to be done.

I can’t though, I can’t let go.

I’m so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of doing nothing. Tired of living.

There is still some spark of me that rebels against everything.

 

I don’t know how I’m going to make it 11 more days until the doctor’s appointment. I need help. I need it so bad. I don’t know how to survive anymore.

Well

The more things change, the more things stay the same, I guess. I’ve been living in a cage built out of my own thoughts for so long, it almost feels normal. It’s only when I’m confronted by things the challenge my carefully-built assumptions that my brain starts to waver. Unfortunately, my anxiety seems to kick in then. I that it’s a protection mechanism. “No,” my brain says, “that’s not really what you want to do. It’s not safe out there, stay inside your own head.” It’s always safer inside my head. No people to deal with. No fear. Just my own memories to contend with. Memories that play over and over, and my brain is always coming up with new ways to analyze them. It’s like the military; it’s always trying to find a way to win the last battle. Unfortunately, the next battle is always different. Every one feels like the Battle of Yonkers to me (I just read World War Z and military metaphors seem to be stuck in my mind). The thing that suffers during these times is not just me. I am cruel to other people. I do not care about their emotions. I like to think that I am empathic. I may be. But I am an impotent empath. I have no clue how to deal with people who are feeling strong emotions. So I walk away. Perhaps that’s what they need. I seek strong emotional bonds but don’t know how to form them. I feel so selfish.

Then again, how do I deal with myself? No one else is going to fix me. Only I can do that. I wonder how much of my current state is learned behavior, how much is chemical. In two weeks I may have some help in the chemical department. I hope that it works. The panic that I feel when I think of all the things I’ve missed, how limited my life ahead of me is due to my past choices. They feel like the truth. But…is the truth the truth? We shall see.

I recently heard that the opposite of depression is vitality. Vitality is something I currently lack. I know that I used to have it. When? I’m not really sure. I know that things first started to get bad around the 7th grade. I want to feel enthusiastic again. I want that vitality back. And despite all the irrational negative thoughts that I have, there is a glimmer of hope somewhere in there. Hope is a powerful force. If I turn my back on hope, that’s it. I have to believe in hope, nurture it, let it grow. Let it be the foundation of my growth.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow. Well, today, since I can never quite seem to go to sleep. I’m going to solidify my workout program beyond just running and the occasional pull-ups. My initial plan is running then work on abs and arms/upper body. I have a pull-up bar already and have kinda started doing them. Up to four now! I also need to do sit-ups and push-ups etc and set down a plan. Also…job stuff. I need to start refreshing my skills and building new ones. It’s time to seriously start. My lack of a job leads to my lack of a social life (outside computers) and leads to depression. I so very want people to talk to. Time to start anew.

“I don’t know how…”

Hmm. So I was just thinking that I “don’t know how” to make friends, or talk to people, or ask a girl out. But most of my experiences have been that I worry about something for a long time before I actually do it. Then I do it and it’s not so bad. I just *do* it and its okay. I worry so much about what people think of me, and it’s just not worth it. I was thinking earlier today that I should just say “Screw it, I give up worrying.” This is probably what I should do.

Hmm

Okay. My plan of action. First up, refresh my math skills. They’re the most important skills an engineer can have and I’ve forgotten about ten times more about math than most people ever learn. After I refresh my math skills, onto physics to get a handle on basic problem solving, then some programming. I could try learning C, but finding a nice windows environment is frustrating. Then onto more advanced thing like real engineering problems. When am I going to start this? This week would probably be best, though next week is more likely. I’ll finally have some time to myself then.

In addition to strengthening my mind, I’ve started trying to strengthen my body. My sedentary nature over the past year or so has probably contributed to these bouts of depression. So I’ve started trying to run. I haven’t gotten very far yet, as in I haven’t made it a full mile without switching to a walking pace, but I’ll just keep trying. I figure about once every two days is a good starting pace. Give my muscles some time to rest.

I was originally going to write a much more depressing post, but I figure those thoughts just reinforce themselves. I didn’t have the best day, though it’s kinda my own fault. There’s a girl at the coffee shop by me who apparently thinks I’m cute, though she apparently kinda gave up after I didn’t pay attention. I was deep in my “no emotions” phase at that point though, and coming out has been rough. I didn’t even really pay attention to her until recently. She’s actually…really freaking cute. She’s not quite the kind of girl i would have been initially attracted to so I was a little surprised. My frustrations with not even being able to look at her and feeling held back by the fact I don’t have a job yet and I always go to the shop with my freaking mom and sometimes sister doesn’t help. I don’t think it’ll go anywhere but I figure I’ll walk up sometime next week by myself. I’ll maybe even try small talk. Though to be honest that sounds terrifying at this point D:

Moving forward…or not

So I’ve applied to a few local jobs. Got…nothing in return. Target said no. No word on the others. I could probably do something like tutoring or grading papers and get paid well, but it’s pretty much *not* what I’m looking for. I want some experience that will put me in a position that I’m not comfortable with. Not in an “Eww gross” way or “hard labor” way, but in a people way. Dealing with people is my biggest problem right now. All my actions tend to be centered around avoiding people. And all it has done is given me a heap of regrets and not much memories. I’ve never done crazy things. I can actually remember pretty much every time I’ve gone out with friends. Not because I have a good memory, which I do, but because I haven’t done it very much.

It’s a little weird how my life has been mirrored in the sitcoms I’ve been watching. Not everything, but enough situations to be disconcerting. The most recent was Big Bang Theory, when Raj goes to get coffee with a girl and she runs out on him. Raj is devastated and holes up to avoid people. Okay, similarity one. But then the girl tries to contact him and says she’s bad with people, and she had gone out trying to get out of her comfort zone. Something I’ve been trying to do but failing so far. Haven’t found something I want to do yet. Gah:

Stop lying to myself

Okay, you know why you want to go to the Target on 59. You think you might run into *her*. Or someone from her family. Should that make you pick somewhere else? I don’t know.