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One step forward, one step back

February 13, 2013

Things that scare me: going out alone and doing things by myself. I tend to get cooped up in the house a lot, with nothing to do and nowhere to go. So I’ve decided to give myself little tasks to build up my resistances. Today I decided I needed to go buy a pair of jeans since my old ones are pretty bad. I went to Target, tried them on and bought them. No problem, but in my head I knew I could do that. Which is kind of the trick for me: if I *know* I can do something it’s not a problem. If I don’t think I can do it then that’s where the issues arise.

After going to Target I decided to go to the mall. I thought I could say hello to my sister who was working there and scout around for places that were hiring. First, a little background. I graduated from grad school in 2011 and hadn’t had any job since the . Then I got roped into a job for the Christmas season, working at a Harry & David kiosk. I expected to hate it and I kinda did, but some of my coworkers were nice and fun to talk to and I hadn’t realized how much I had missed that. There was even one of the fucking CUTEST girls ever working a store nearby who I went out on a few dates with. That ended poorly unfortunately, and I’ll probably elaborate more on that in another post.

Anyway, when January rolled around the job was over and I was surprised to learn I missed the job. I went from having places to go, people to talk to, and a cute girl to date to nothing. This hit me hard, in a way I never expected it to. I was suddenly overcome by all these emotions I didn’t know I had. I had slipped into sort of a neutral emotional state over the past 4 years really. They’re still troubling me now.

When I got to the mall I was full of optimism. I parked where I parked when I was working there, which turned out to be a mistake. When I passed by where the kiosk had been I was suddenly having almost a panic attack. Too many memories were flooding back and overwhelming me. I tried going to the bookstore to calm down, but it didn’t help and I walked as fast as I could out of there. I drove home as fast as legally possible.

Well, not exactly how I wanted that to go. But I did have a new pair of pants. So +1 I guess? I can’t let this stop me. I feel so alone right now, but I know that I’m the one responsible for that, partly. I tend to push people away or put them off. The girl pushed me away which is another huge source of pain right now since I haven’t dated much, but that’s getting better. Just have to move on and branch out.

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