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February 23, 2013

Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole. But that wouldn’t fix anything. That’s what’s caused all these problems in the first place. Sitting in my room. Not interacting with people outside of the internet. Because it’s safe. I can just close the window, shut down the program, pull the plug and not have to deal with it. People are *hard* to deal with. But, they’re not. Not as hard as I make it out to myself at least. It didn’t really matter to me until recently. When I found out what I was missing. Suddenly I want to be *out* there. Where is there? I have no clue. But it’s scary. It’s a big scary world. So I leave myself outs. So I don’t have to deal with things.I fixate on the past so I don’t have to think about the future. What do I want in life? I want a job. Well, no. I don’t want a job. If I could do nothing that would be great. I *need* a job. I need to deal with people. Not a crappy job like OSI, where I was surrounded by people but couldn’t talk to them. There was literally a language barrier there. That was kind of like hell. I need to find people I can talk to. I need to apply for that job at Gap or Banana Republic because then I would *have* to deal with people. And that’s a skill I need.

Evangelion has been on my mind recently. The AT field in it turns out to be the barrier between a persons soul and the outside world. I always have a barrier up, to defend myself from outside intrusion. But it’s so strong that I don’t let anyone in.  I so desperately want to be able to talk to some people but don’t know how.  I so regret the last 4 years of my life, which were wasted. Sure I got my Masters but it’s essentially useless and probably holds me back. What I really needed was experience, but then again I was too scared to go out and do it. I WISH I WASN’T SO FUCKING SCARED ALL THE TIME. So anxious about what people think of me. I didn’t go anywhere during grad school, didn’t make a fucking single new friend. WHAT THE FUCK? And then these past two years. Just sitting in my room. Depressed. I guess I was depressed, it just didn’t manifest itself so strongly like it does now. I was treading water because I was too afraid to go on.


How do I move on? Every time I try I create an excuse for myself to not go forward. First step: find a job. Not a job in an office building somewhere. I don’t think that will help. Somewhere that will get me out there. I can’t believe how different working at Harry & David’s made me feel. It was a revelation. I actually like having people to talk to. And I’ll admit it. I want a girlfriend. Maybe not a girlfriend so much, as at least someone to go out with. This sounds so fucking pitiful but I really do want a friend. Just someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. Sitting here with my mind taking over drives me crazy. Doing nothing accomplishes exactly that: nothing.


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