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July 29, 2014

The more things change, the more things stay the same, I guess. I’ve been living in a cage built out of my own thoughts for so long, it almost feels normal. It’s only when I’m confronted by things the challenge my carefully-built assumptions that my brain starts to waver. Unfortunately, my anxiety seems to kick in then. I that it’s a protection mechanism. “No,” my brain says, “that’s not really what you want to do. It’s not safe out there, stay inside your own head.” It’s always safer inside my head. No people to deal with. No fear. Just my own memories to contend with. Memories that play over and over, and my brain is always coming up with new ways to analyze them. It’s like the military; it’s always trying to find a way to win the last battle. Unfortunately, the next battle is always different. Every one feels like the Battle of Yonkers to me (I just read World War Z and military metaphors seem to be stuck in my mind). The thing that suffers during these times is not just me. I am cruel to other people. I do not care about their emotions. I like to think that I am empathic. I may be. But I am an impotent empath. I have no clue how to deal with people who are feeling strong emotions. So I walk away. Perhaps that’s what they need. I seek strong emotional bonds but don’t know how to form them. I feel so selfish.

Then again, how do I deal with myself? No one else is going to fix me. Only I can do that. I wonder how much of my current state is learned behavior, how much is chemical. In two weeks I may have some help in the chemical department. I hope that it works. The panic that I feel when I think of all the things I’ve missed, how limited my life ahead of me is due to my past choices. They feel like the truth. But…is the truth the truth? We shall see.

I recently heard that the opposite of depression is vitality. Vitality is something I currently lack. I know that I used to have it. When? I’m not really sure. I know that things first started to get bad around the 7th grade. I want to feel enthusiastic again. I want that vitality back. And despite all the irrational negative thoughts that I have, there is a glimmer of hope somewhere in there. Hope is a powerful force. If I turn my back on hope, that’s it. I have to believe in hope, nurture it, let it grow. Let it be the foundation of my growth.


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