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Change

July 31, 2014

It feels like nothing will change, no matter what I do. I want change. But I’m afraid of change. I’m in the middle of what I think is a panic attack. I’m crying. Bawling really. I feel the lowest I’ve ever felt in years. I am so tired of this life that I live. I try, and nothing happens. I know that I’m not trying hard enough. I so want something to go right, but I know that my efforts will result in failure. It seems like no matter what I do nothing ever goes right. I am too far away from anything resembling a normal life. I don’t even know what a normal life means anymore. I have no willpower to do anything. No drive. Is this what depression is? I am still fixated on the girl. How embarrassing. I wish I had never met her. Wish I had never been so eager to make some sort of relationship. Because there was no possibility of a relationship there. She never engaged. I tried, she didn’t. That’s kind of what hurts so much. I don’t know what to do, how to have a normal life. What is even normal? I am not normal. I feel like a useless human being. A waste of potential. So much potential. People telling me I had so much to offer the world. I did not have the drive to achieve that. Do I even have dreams anymore? I don’t know. I want to leave this old self behind. This shattered husk of a human being. I know that I currently have nothing to offer anyone right now. Do I really know? Or is that just my brain telling me that. I think I have a lot to offer. I just don’t know if anyone wants what I have to offer. I feel so broken. There is a mismatch between reality and what is inside my brain. Is this what being crazy feels like? I think it is.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I want to be done.

I can’t though, I can’t let go.

I’m so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of doing nothing. Tired of living.

There is still some spark of me that rebels against everything.

 

I don’t know how I’m going to make it 11 more days until the doctor’s appointment. I need help. I need it so bad. I don’t know how to survive anymore.

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