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Meh

I am so ridiculously unhappy right now. I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I experience small islands of happiness which then get swallowed up by the seas of despair. At least I’ve been actually applying to jobs. I still want friends so bad though. I don’t know how to. I’m trying though. I need to stop staying up so late. I can tell this is affecting me and screwing up my days. Sitting in my room alone is helping nothing. I’m still too scared to try going out though. Tomorrow (well, today now) I’m going to go to Target. I shouldn’t really go to my Target since that’s too comfortable. I need to get notebooks and pencils so I can practice my math and my physics. Need to get my mind back in the game.

Blargh

Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole. But that wouldn’t fix anything. That’s what’s caused all these problems in the first place. Sitting in my room. Not interacting with people outside of the internet. Because it’s safe. I can just close the window, shut down the program, pull the plug and not have to deal with it. People are *hard* to deal with. But, they’re not. Not as hard as I make it out to myself at least. It didn’t really matter to me until recently. When I found out what I was missing. Suddenly I want to be *out* there. Where is there? I have no clue. But it’s scary. It’s a big scary world. So I leave myself outs. So I don’t have to deal with things.I fixate on the past so I don’t have to think about the future. What do I want in life? I want a job. Well, no. I don’t want a job. If I could do nothing that would be great. I *need* a job. I need to deal with people. Not a crappy job like OSI, where I was surrounded by people but couldn’t talk to them. There was literally a language barrier there. That was kind of like hell. I need to find people I can talk to. I need to apply for that job at Gap or Banana Republic because then I would *have* to deal with people. And that’s a skill I need.

Evangelion has been on my mind recently. The AT field in it turns out to be the barrier between a persons soul and the outside world. I always have a barrier up, to defend myself from outside intrusion. But it’s so strong that I don’t let anyone in.  I so desperately want to be able to talk to some people but don’t know how.  I so regret the last 4 years of my life, which were wasted. Sure I got my Masters but it’s essentially useless and probably holds me back. What I really needed was experience, but then again I was too scared to go out and do it. I WISH I WASN’T SO FUCKING SCARED ALL THE TIME. So anxious about what people think of me. I didn’t go anywhere during grad school, didn’t make a fucking single new friend. WHAT THE FUCK? And then these past two years. Just sitting in my room. Depressed. I guess I was depressed, it just didn’t manifest itself so strongly like it does now. I was treading water because I was too afraid to go on.

So.

How do I move on? Every time I try I create an excuse for myself to not go forward. First step: find a job. Not a job in an office building somewhere. I don’t think that will help. Somewhere that will get me out there. I can’t believe how different working at Harry & David’s made me feel. It was a revelation. I actually like having people to talk to. And I’ll admit it. I want a girlfriend. Maybe not a girlfriend so much, as at least someone to go out with. This sounds so fucking pitiful but I really do want a friend. Just someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. Sitting here with my mind taking over drives me crazy. Doing nothing accomplishes exactly that: nothing.

Yeah

Okay, any semblance of happiness has worn off again. I feel depressed again. I’m tired all the time. I can’t sleep. When I wake up I’m exhausted. It takes me an hour and a half to actually wake up. I have no appetite. I’m worried I may be sick. I just want to talk to *someone*. I’m too scared to actually go to any of these meetups I found. I want a friend. I don’t know how to make a friend. I’m tired of getting rejected, by people and by jobs. I want to be happy and I don’t know how to do that.

Okay I’m slipping

My newfound resolve is failing. I tried being more active in EVE and while the sense of being ~involved~ is pretty big it’s also isolating in a way. It’s pretty fun to stay up until 3 AM and watch 500 people fly around in space ships to stop guys from blowing up our stuff. But all you can really do is just sit there and listen. What I really want to do is *talk*. For someone who hates talking this is such a strange feeling. Also, staying home isn’t helping either. I need to get out. Somewhere. Anywhere. I’ll admit it, seeing cute girls does improve my day. And I can’t really see them here. I’m also bothered by my lack of drive. I don’t know what I want to *do* with my life. I’ve been bothered by that for years now. What I wanted to do I’m apparently not very good at. And to be honest didn’t really enjoy. Sooooo WTF do I do to make a living?

Better-ish?

So. Wednesday wasn’t bad at all. I was tired for most of the day but for some reason was kind of happy. Seeing the *hottest* girl I had seen in ages probably helped that, lol. The day before, after going to the mall, I told myself that it was silly to keep thinking about the girl. And it is. Mostly I miss the concept of what it could have been. It only lasted three dates, and the third date wasn’t very good, but before them I had not been on a date for four fucking years, and the previous dry spell was 4 years before that situation too.

I felt insanely happy for about a week and a half there, so happy to have someone interested in me. I tend to insulate myself from other people, I guess so I don’t have to feel awkward. I don’t really know how to do the “friend” thing. So when I found out a girl was interested in me I had no clue WTF to do. I asked her out and we went on a date and it was GREAT. Then she brings her friend to meet me and we talk for two hours. Great! Then after the second date the girl apparently starts avoiding me. I’m like WTF? I don’t know what’s going on so I ask her out again and she says yes. The date is set for the day after Christmas and text her Merry Christmas on the day but don’t get a reply. Okay I’m getting frustrated again I’ll finish that story another day.

Anyway, back to the hot girl. One thing I know I do is I avoid eye contact. I can never tell if a girl is interested in me, partially because if i look at a girl and she looks at me I then look away. This girl is at the car dealership I’m at with my sister, who is getting her car fixed. She’s wearing black yoga pants and black boots. Nice looking boots, too, which is a rare thing in my world. I don’t know if she thought I was cute or not, though I think she did. But it’s a start.

Valentines day was bad. I’ve never had a girlfriend on the day, and for a while in December I thought I might have one. So when the day came and I had none it hurt. Though Friday was better. I’m thinking I need to find some social group to join. I’m trying to be more active in EVE but it doesn’t have that face to face component that I’m so bad at. Thinking of trying Dungeons & Dragons at this place near me, but I probably won’t meet many girls there 😛 But you never know!

One step forward, one step back

Things that scare me: going out alone and doing things by myself. I tend to get cooped up in the house a lot, with nothing to do and nowhere to go. So I’ve decided to give myself little tasks to build up my resistances. Today I decided I needed to go buy a pair of jeans since my old ones are pretty bad. I went to Target, tried them on and bought them. No problem, but in my head I knew I could do that. Which is kind of the trick for me: if I *know* I can do something it’s not a problem. If I don’t think I can do it then that’s where the issues arise.

After going to Target I decided to go to the mall. I thought I could say hello to my sister who was working there and scout around for places that were hiring. First, a little background. I graduated from grad school in 2011 and hadn’t had any job since the . Then I got roped into a job for the Christmas season, working at a Harry & David kiosk. I expected to hate it and I kinda did, but some of my coworkers were nice and fun to talk to and I hadn’t realized how much I had missed that. There was even one of the fucking CUTEST girls ever working a store nearby who I went out on a few dates with. That ended poorly unfortunately, and I’ll probably elaborate more on that in another post.

Anyway, when January rolled around the job was over and I was surprised to learn I missed the job. I went from having places to go, people to talk to, and a cute girl to date to nothing. This hit me hard, in a way I never expected it to. I was suddenly overcome by all these emotions I didn’t know I had. I had slipped into sort of a neutral emotional state over the past 4 years really. They’re still troubling me now.

When I got to the mall I was full of optimism. I parked where I parked when I was working there, which turned out to be a mistake. When I passed by where the kiosk had been I was suddenly having almost a panic attack. Too many memories were flooding back and overwhelming me. I tried going to the bookstore to calm down, but it didn’t help and I walked as fast as I could out of there. I drove home as fast as legally possible.

Well, not exactly how I wanted that to go. But I did have a new pair of pants. So +1 I guess? I can’t let this stop me. I feel so alone right now, but I know that I’m the one responsible for that, partly. I tend to push people away or put them off. The girl pushed me away which is another huge source of pain right now since I haven’t dated much, but that’s getting better. Just have to move on and branch out.

Starting out

“It is a time of unrest in the galaxy”

I am a big enough Star Wars geek to know that that’s not how it goes. But I’m in a really weird place in my life right now. For background, I’m a 25 year old guy who’s got his BS and MS in Engineering but just can’t seem to find a job. I live at home and in general I’m pretty depressed about the way my life has gone. This blog will hopefully be a way for me to examine and deal with the issues that have been bothering me. I doubt anyone will read it but me, and frankly I hope no one I know sees it because I’ll probably talk about things I’ve never really shared with people before. But like I said, it’s mainly for myself. Which is unlike any blog ever before, right? 😛